Aber wenn ich könnte wie ich wollte würde ich gar nichts wollen

Ich weiß aber dass alle etwas wollen sollen

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Name
Esteliel
Website
Loes Valthen

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May 29th, 2014

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I'm up to 6k words on my Not Prime Time fic now, which is good. And about halfway through my outline for the story, which is not good, because this means this might easily go to 10k, and I don't even know how that happened that I cannot pull off a short 3k exchange fic anymore! :/

On the other hand NPT deadline is still more than a month away, and I hope that being able to let this stew for a while before final edits will help with figuring out how to fix the weak/OOC parts while keeping it tropey. It's always so difficult to find that balance between writing a trope you love and trying not to slide into cliché/blatant ooc characterization, because overthinking tropes usually kills what makes them so good for the id.

Well, some people are able to pull off tropes in ways that are both incredibly hot and also beautifully in character, but those people also have far better skills. It would make me weep with frustration, but instead I'm just grateful I get to wallow in all the good fic every day. (Ugh, the JVJ rec list is the bane of my existance, and also proof that I will never learn. Every night it is like, oh, I really should go to bed in ten minutes, let's maybe read a short story before that - and then I click on a link from that list to reread something and suddenly, surprise! It's an hour and three stories later and I once again only get 6 hours of sleep. _-_)

Anyway, I'm so glad that I'm still managing to cling to that happy first stage of new fandom love - well, maybe it is already the second stage now. My first stage was to read all the things, no matter how bad or OOC. But still, three months later and I'm still happy and enthusiastic and definitely overinvested and writing more per month than I sometimes used to write per year. I really don't know when I last had this incredible *need* to write - right now I'm hoping to finish my first terrible draft of the NPT fic by the weekend, and then maybe get to indulge myself by writing a few really short things, if I can find prompts that inspire me, and then I also have yet another doc with notes for the d/s thing I might or might not write one day - and of course all the notes for the Big Bang.

Every time I get frustrated because my writing isn't as good/as powerful/as in character as I want it to be, I look at how much I'm currently writing, and even if it's all far from perfect, I'm learning something from every story I write. Editing my writing from ten years ago for last Nano was such a powerful lesson in how far I had come as a writer, because I was able to see all my weaknesses and shortcuts (and terrible speech tags and abuse of adverbs and so on and so on...) so clearly. So maybe it's not perfect now, but it will be better next year, and it will be much better in ten years. (And then I come across someone whose writing is perfect and who is ten years younger and I want to weep again, but oh well. Perfection is a terrible goal.)

Entry originally posted to DW: http://esteliel.dreamwidth.org/428773.html (comment count unavailablecomments). Comments are welcome in either place.

April 21st, 2014

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Apparently the thing I do when I feel half-sick from all the food is to eat a few more chocolate eggs. This works as well as you would think.

I also finally wrestled my notes on Valjean and Javert and Redemption through debasement/suffering and Hugo's religious symbolism into something more coherent, and since Tumblr is probably the worst place ever for longer text posts, I've also posted it to the DW Les Mis community: Javert and Valjean and Redemption meta

Entry originally posted to DW: http://esteliel.dreamwidth.org/427791.html (comment count unavailablecomments). Comments are welcome in either place.
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March 18th, 2014

Art: Toil Until The Old Colours Fade by drcalvin

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So, I'm not really good at the whole art thing yet (seriously, I do not even know what I am doing! Just that I really have a lot of fun playing with things I do not understand!) and so to challenge myself I decided to give the whole digital colouring a try.

And because illustrating your own stories is kind of boring, and I was still swooning over what is still one of the best Les Mis fics I have read so far that had scenes that still stick in my head, I decided to see if I could manage an illustration for that.


Toil Until The Old Colours Fade
by loesvalthen on deviantART

Have my rec from tumblr to go with it (and check out the story if you are into Les Mis at all because it is so worth it):
Toil Until the Old Colours Fade (94310 words) by drcalvin

"So I stayed up until 3am yesterday because I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep until I had finished reading this. I still feel all raw and aching in the best possible ways. I love how this fandom breaks my heart with every good story I read, but this story broke my heart in 19 different ways and then glued it all together again with redemption found through love and with hope and with that indescribable beauty of someone who has seen the deepest despair refusing to surrender until he has found his way to the light, and to love.

Falling into this fandom so late (it sometimes seems as if every story I read and love was written a year ago) was worth it just for the joy of reading this. It really was catharsis in the truest sense. <3"


(Also, either I'm changing or fandom is changing. I get mentioned on an anon meme, and only one comment is about how I'm a bad BNF, while the others are about how hot my Kushiel fic is? Huh. Maybe I will have to revise my opinion of anon memes. And I was wondering where the sudden influx in kudos came from!)

Entry originally posted to DW: http://esteliel.dreamwidth.org/425433.html (comment count unavailablecomments). Comments are welcome in either place.

February 25th, 2014

FIC: My Heart Upon His Warm Heart [Les Misérables]

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My Heart Upon His Warm Heart (2881 words) by Esteliel
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Javert/Jean Valjean
Characters: Javert (Les Misérables), Jean Valjean
Additional Tags: Toulon Era, Prison Sex, Tears, Gentleness
Summary:


The truth that even now constricted his heart with unspeakable shame was that he did want this. Maybe he was going mad. Maybe he had been wrong, and there was no escape for him from the filth that had brought him forth. What other explanation could there be for this? When they had overwhelmed him, when 32142 had beaten him and spit on him and snarled into his face what they were going to do to him, he had seen 24601, and he had remembered his strength and called out for him with the despair of one who had nothing left to lose. Maybe it was that even then, the memories of his dream had still clung to him.

Javert expects pain, cruelty, revenge - but when he finds himself at the mercy of prisoner 24601, he learns that not all men are beasts.



More Valvert, because a kinkmeme prompt spoke to me.

Entry originally posted to DW: http://esteliel.dreamwidth.org/423325.html (comment count unavailablecomments). Comments are welcome in either place.

February 22nd, 2014

FIC: Kindness Like Alms [Les Misérables]

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So, yes, my first Les Mis fic happened. Because there is nothing quite like the UST between these two. <3


Kindness Like Alms (2897 words) by Esteliel
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Javert/Jean Valjean
Characters: Javert (Les Misérables), Jean Valjean
Additional Tags: Unresolved Sexual Tension, hair porn, Javert's Confused Boner, Pre-Slash, Madeleine Era
Summary:

Monsieur Madeleine did not step away to allow him to leave, and Javert hesitated uncomfortably, his eyes respectfully lowered although he felt a strange urgency to escape the mayor's almost inappropriate kindness. There was nothing strictly wrong with the mayor's behaviour. He was known to be a religious man, after all, and known to be unfailingly kind to everyone he spoke to, and yet a part of Javert chafed at the thought of receiving kindness like alms. Kindness was not his due. To do his duty was privilege enough.

Valjean is forced to help his inspector to tie back his hair. Also known as what happens when you think you'll write a quick hair appreciation drabble. Drabbles clearly cannot do justice to Javert's hair.



Entry originally posted to DW: http://esteliel.dreamwidth.org/422847.html (comment count unavailablecomments). Comments are welcome in either place.
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