Aber wenn ich könnte wie ich wollte würde ich gar nichts wollen

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Esteliel
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Loes Valthen

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I'm up to 6k words on my Not Prime Time fic now, which is good. And about halfway through my outline for the story, which is not good, because this means this might easily go to 10k, and I don't even know how that happened that I cannot pull off a short 3k exchange fic anymore! :/

On the other hand NPT deadline is still more than a month away, and I hope that being able to let this stew for a while before final edits will help with figuring out how to fix the weak/OOC parts while keeping it tropey. It's always so difficult to find that balance between writing a trope you love and trying not to slide into cliché/blatant ooc characterization, because overthinking tropes usually kills what makes them so good for the id.

Well, some people are able to pull off tropes in ways that are both incredibly hot and also beautifully in character, but those people also have far better skills. It would make me weep with frustration, but instead I'm just grateful I get to wallow in all the good fic every day. (Ugh, the JVJ rec list is the bane of my existance, and also proof that I will never learn. Every night it is like, oh, I really should go to bed in ten minutes, let's maybe read a short story before that - and then I click on a link from that list to reread something and suddenly, surprise! It's an hour and three stories later and I once again only get 6 hours of sleep. _-_)

Anyway, I'm so glad that I'm still managing to cling to that happy first stage of new fandom love - well, maybe it is already the second stage now. My first stage was to read all the things, no matter how bad or OOC. But still, three months later and I'm still happy and enthusiastic and definitely overinvested and writing more per month than I sometimes used to write per year. I really don't know when I last had this incredible *need* to write - right now I'm hoping to finish my first terrible draft of the NPT fic by the weekend, and then maybe get to indulge myself by writing a few really short things, if I can find prompts that inspire me, and then I also have yet another doc with notes for the d/s thing I might or might not write one day - and of course all the notes for the Big Bang.

Every time I get frustrated because my writing isn't as good/as powerful/as in character as I want it to be, I look at how much I'm currently writing, and even if it's all far from perfect, I'm learning something from every story I write. Editing my writing from ten years ago for last Nano was such a powerful lesson in how far I had come as a writer, because I was able to see all my weaknesses and shortcuts (and terrible speech tags and abuse of adverbs and so on and so on...) so clearly. So maybe it's not perfect now, but it will be better next year, and it will be much better in ten years. (And then I come across someone whose writing is perfect and who is ten years younger and I want to weep again, but oh well. Perfection is a terrible goal.)

Entry originally posted to DW: http://esteliel.dreamwidth.org/428773.html (comment count unavailablecomments). Comments are welcome in either place.
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